Mazda Raceway Laguna Seca
Murphy Chassis Engineering Press Conference – Transcript
This special event was first published on dailysportscar.com after the American Le Mans Series’ race at season’s end in 2005. It was thought to be very important at the time, just as have been previous such announcements (and rumors). Like many of those, it has all come to naught – so far.
Bob Dickenson: Good morning, thank you for coming. As you know, I’m Vice President of Media and Communications for the American Le Mans Series. I am proud to introduce Mr. Murphy H. Bear, who of course is already known to most of you. After some disappointment following announcements of this kind in the past, we are pleased to have someone of the stature of the Bear take this bull by the horns, so to speak. This of course is one of those items that Scott (Atherton, CEO of the ALMS) was referring to when he said “If you knew what I know.” Murphy, it’s all yours.
Murphy Bear: Good Morning, I’m Murphy H. Bear, CEO of Murphy Chassis Engineering, something I do in my spare time from my regular job as Society Editor of dailysportscar. A little background is in order. The Bear attended his first race right here at Laguna Seca. I still remember the excitement, the anticipation of a prototype introduction that had been scheduled for Road Atlanta, but pushed back to Laguna Seca in 2004. Déjà vu all over again, eh? It seems that it had to be cancelled then because the paint hadn’t dried on the chassis model. Terribly disappointing, but understandable. That constructor, like Porsche this year, wanted everything to be “in order”.
But I was still hopeful, and went to Sebring in March of this year expecting to see a dozen of those wonderful, revolutionary chassis on the grid, as promised at Petit Le Mans the previous season. The Bear was devastated when none showed up – and the Bear hunted high and low in pit and paddock for any sign of the wonderful cars. He can assure you that none were in evidence. I started studying the principles of isohyperdynamics, and of inertial centripetal internal energy conversion, right then and there, and of course there it was, right in front of the, like a light on the road to Damascus – the answer, the idea for a prototype design that will allow my own dear mother (and perhaps Milka too) to drive to victory – the Murphy 5 ¾!
Here is a model of the tub that will revolutionize sports car racing – no, make that all racing, when I introduce my new taxicab chassis – for years to come. I know you’re all very excited, but please be careful, the paint may not be completely dry. Murphy is willing to take risks that others are not.
I know you must have a lot of questions about this momentous event, but please be patient, I’ll recognize each of you in turn. Yes, Nancy.
Nancy Shilke: Nancy Knapp Shilke (I’m thinking about dumping part of that), Motorsport.com. Of course, Murphy, since we’re old friends, I’ve known about this wonderful car for ages! And, as a follow-up, will my friend Kaye be representing Dario Franchitti? I’ve heard he’s already signed to drive!
Murphy: Thank you, Nancy, and thanks for your restaurant recommendations, too. The new Murphy 5 ¾ will be available in Chartreuse (the Bear admits to adoring the liqueur), Peach (after my mom), and DHL Yellow (that has just become the favorite color of thousands of porschephiles). Lizstick Red (always wanted one of those Saleens), will be available for an extra cost.
In regard to Dario, I have to limit my comments, because negotiations are on-going, but I have been told that Mr. Judd, er, ah, Franchitti, would like nothing better to step up to racing in which he has to turn both ways, joining his hugely successful younger brother. Did you see that Marino was just named the “sexiest driver” in the ALMS paddock? I’m sure he’d welcome his brother, who of course was on hand at Petit Le Mans checking out the territory. Of course you know that, Nancy, I saw you perched on a cooler with him chatting for it seemed like hours!
Suffice it to say, this revolutionary chassis is designed to allow anyone to compete and win, even Marino’s brother. No more having to pay big money for a big name driver, the gentlemen (and women) can just hop in and go for it.
Ah, over there, in the orange vest with all the camera stuff, Ken?
Ken May: Thanks. Ken May, Racingfanatics.com. Murphy, we know you are at all the ALMS races, but what do you really think of the series, and I have a follow-up.
Murphy Bear: I love the ALMS and, paraphrasing one of your famous interviews, “It’s like a beautiful woman…who uses Scope. By the way, have you seen all the women cuddling me lately? It’s tough being a star. If that Susan wasn’t already hitched to Barry….va, va, voom! Your follow-up, Ken?
Ken May: Yes. What do you really think of Grand Am?
Murphy Bear: Good question, Ken, but if Tracy Krohn can win over there, and Milka actually drove a whole stint at VIR, they probably don’t need the Bear’s revolutionary chassis. On the other hand, if you want to go to Daytona and have fun in your motorhome…I think this is the perfect way to go racing if you own a thousand apartments within a few minutes of Road Atlanta.
Jonathan?
Jonathan Ingram: Jonathan Ingram, Murphy, all the best publications. Murphy, in the interest of figuring out exactly what took place, when you were supervising the model building, just after taping the lower left corner, and before painting the right side, was there a short pause, and what were you thinking? Was the result your fault?
Murphy Bear: I want everyone here to know that Jonathan is the “dean” of ALMS reporters. Sorry, what was the question again?
Jonathan Ingram: In the interest of figuring out exactly what took place, when you were supervising the model building, just after taping the lower left corner, and before painting the right side, was there a short pause, and what were you thinking? Was the result your fault?
Murphy Bear: Yes.
You, over there, the graying guy with the California pony tail.
Kerry Morse: I’m Kerry Morse, Motorsports Editor for European Car, columnist (when I get around to it) for sportscarpros.com, bon vivant, and ultimate insider. I missed some of this. I just got back from finding a Porsche 959 to go in my garage with Mika’s F1 car and JJ’s McLaren GT1. Then of course I had to ride horses with Terry, after which there was a five course dinner at Vanessa’s… Where was I? Oh, yah. Is this chassis interglobally important, or what? I mean, if it’s going to be famous, would you consider calling it an RS Spyder, or maybe a Carrera?
Murphy Bear: I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. But can you get me an invitation to Vanessa’s?
You, with your hand up – the little fuzzy one in the back.
Janos Wimpffen: Janos Wimpffen, Motorsports Research Group, dailysportscar, world traveler, author of the award winning tour-de-force sports car racing history “Time and Two Seats,” and of the new, soon-to-be-recognized-as-a-classic “Open Road and Front Engines,” and the planet’s leading sports car anorak.
What is the chassis number of this chassis model?
Murphy Bear: What chassis number, it’s a little paper mock-up!
Janos Wimpffen: It has to have a chassis number, it just has to!
Murphy Bear: OK, if you insist, 1.
Janos Wimpffen: That’s it?
Murphy Bear: That’s it.
Janos Wimpffen: Do you have any black and white photos?
Murphy Bear: No.
Bob Dickenson, breaking in: We have a phone call, international, from England.
Malcolm Cracknell (on the phone): This is Malcolm, the Editor of dailysportscar.com, previously known as TotalMotorSports.com, SuperSportsCarWorld.com, and SportsCarWorld.com (the latter of course is better known now as a Lotus junk yard in Texas).
Murphy, will this chassis accommodate an AER twin turbo V8? And I have a follow-up.
Murphy Bear: Yes it will, Malcolm. Your follow-up?
Malcolm Cracknell: Can Martin Short be the European dealer?
Murphy Bear: We haven’t thought about that yet. (Murphy is heard to mutter, “No wonder they call it ‘dailyshortscar’.”)
You, in the back. What, two of you?
Graham Goodwin: Yes, me – and Gary Horrocks. We just want to be included in this bit.
Murphy Bear: OK, you’re included. Now sit down. Thank you all for coming. I will see you all again at Sebring, where I expect many Murphy 5 ¾ s on the grid. Have a great winter.
All characters in this article are entirely the figment of the writer’s imagination. Any similarity between them and any person or stuffed animal, alive or dead, is completely coincidental.