murphythebear.com

Murphy was slavin’ away on his next Poop, and shur nuff, there’s a confluence of events, as they say. First, there’s a clamor of A.C. fans drivin’ the poor Bear nuts (see the testimonials below), then here comes another A.C. column rollin’ in just on time. Well, that saves Murphy’s bacon. Here’s A.C, while (or whilst, as they say in Suffolk – get well, Malcolm, ol’ sod) the Bear keeps workin’ on the latest scurrilous rumors.-Murphy-

By A.C. Guillermo

I got a neat little scale diecast model of a Brumos Porsche DP sitting on my desk.  Sometimes I roll it across my desk and imagine I am behind the wheel on the last lap at Daytona, about to win a Rolex timepiece, just like my hero Hurley. Wow! That would be awesome!!!!

Everyone knows the Rolex 24 is the most important sports car race in the world, far exceeding Sebring and Le Mans, races you would never read about in our local newspaper. Why?  Because Le Mans is not important to anyone around here.

A well-known racing journalist at the Daytona News-Journal once told me: “A.C., we base our racing coverage on the number of diecast cars produced for a given series. There are 37,857 different NASCAR diecast cars, and less than 20 ALMS cars in diecast. What does that tell you? I don’t care if there are 110,000 fans at Sebring. I don’t care if Michael Shoemaker is gonna drive there. I don’t care if Juan Manuel Fandingo comes back from his dirt-nap to drive there, we ain’t gonna cover any ALMS race because they ain’t got no diecast.”

To some of you ALMS wussies, that may seem unfair.  But think about it, have you got any fans with decals on their pickups showing a kid pissing on an Audi.  Do you have Marco Werner BBQ sauce?  Do you have Olivier Beretta headache powders?   Hell no, you don’t have merchandise. NASCAR drivers do, and that means Grand-Am drivers do.

I asked the dean of motor racing writers, a good friend of mine who works at the Charlotte Observer, why they don’t ever cover the ALMS. He said: “If I ever go to the supermarket and see a box of cereal with an ALMS driver on it, then maybe I will give them a mention in the newspaper. But unless that happens, or Mr. France tells me otherwise, we ain’t reportin on the ALMS.”

Merchandise is the barometer of motorsports.  Since Grand-Am is a tentacle of NASCAR, we got the ALMS covered on that.   In about ten years, when Grand-Am has taken over road racing worldwide, every kid will have a diecast car of a DP on their desk, just like me.

Now, before I head back on the road, let me thank all of you for the great fan email I am getting. Here’s just a sample:

“You are the only journalist who truly understands the complex nature of sports car road racing, and I commend your excellent, well thought commentary.” R.E., Daytona Beach, Florida

“Thank you for pointing out we do not use electric cattle prods to direct fans where they MUST go here at the World Center of Racing, although sometimes I would like to get a chainsaw and do some serious damage.” Security Dept, D.I.S.

“A.C. rules!  You have great insight about road racing.  Ever consider doing a column on motorcycle racing?” R.E., Daytona Beach, Florida

“Your columns are spot-on. ALMS cars are too expensive to run, and the principal of nascaraerodynamicology clearly indicates DPs are superior to LMP cars. And by the way, Don Panoz is satin.” H.H., Jacksonville, Florida

“Way to go A.C.! Boogity, Boogity, Boogity.” D.W., Franklin, Tenn.

“Your columns are great. Why don’t you do a column on the fine level of officiating found in the Grand-Am Series?” M.R., Daytona Beach, Florida

“You should win some kind of award. Your knowledge of sports car racing is amazing.  Even Bill Oursler is jealous.” R.E., Daytona Beach, Florida

“Alcohol can make you write some really strange things. Trust me, I’ve been there.” Anonymous@lmsr.nuts

“You have the best motorsports column ever. I wish more journalists could tell it like is! Keep up the good work.” R.E., Daytona Beach, Florida

Thank you for your support!

A.C.

This entry was posted on Friday, May 9th, 2008 at 10:09 pm and is filed under A. C. Guillermo, Parody. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.