murphythebear.com

By A.C. Guillermo

Now that we know Big Brown, Peugeot and Hillary Clinton are the big losers of the summer, we can take a look at the big winners:  most notably, the Rolex Series, Roger E. and the ISC.

You can tell the health of a racing series by the attitude of the competitors.  For the Grand-Am Series, its gonna be the “Summer of Love.”  Be sure to wear a flower in your hair. Haight-Ashbury 1967 all over again. Can you dig it?  I have never seen a happier group of teams in all my years of writing glowing articles on NASCAR and the ISC. It’s a love fest! Granted, no spectators, but everyone’s pumped about the future. Roger’s motorcycles never looked more shiny!  There’s even talk of putting “peace sign” decals on all the cars.

In the American Le Mans Series, its gonna be “The Winter Summer of our Discontent.”  You can just smell it.  Nobody’s happy.  Anti-IMSA graffiti on team transporters. “Roger E. for President” flyers everywhere. I predict half the teams will jump to the Rolex Series by season’s end (confirmed by my high-level sources at the ISC). It’s the darkside. Here’s an analogy for you ALMS apologists: Grand-Am = Wayne Newton; ALMS = Shannon Hoon. Get it?

Grand-Am has contained costs. By racing the same chassis for the next 20 years, teams will not have worry about technology!  With no spectators, teams don’t have to worry about hero cards, PR reps or time-wasting crap like that. Its all about the competitor.  Any DP can win the championship (as long as Chip Ganassi owns it); any car in the Pontiac class can win a race too. Its like socialized racing. Everyone has a piece of the pie (thanks in part to SunTrust banks), a big sponsor, and an awesome schedule that avoids Nicotine-patch financed tracks.

Meanwhile, in the ALMS, I hear meals at Arby’s and clipping coupons are the order of the day. Teams simply can’t afford it anymore.  Dollar General just turned down a series sponsorship proposal. They are begging for Grand-Am style rules, officiating and non-spectator races. Some are seething with jealousy, wishing they could have NASCAR drivers assigned to their cars for Sebring and Petit Le Mans. Here’s another analogy for you ALMS wussies: Grand-Am = Martha Stewart; ALMS = Howard Stern. Getting clearer yet?

Its gonna be a long hot summer for ALMS fans.  Sweating yet?

NOT FAST ENOUGH FOR THE NEWS JOURNAL
Does speed matter? The Rolex Series vs. ALMS comparative lap times from Mid-Ohio have been all over the internet lately, showing that ALMS GT2 teams are nearly faster than Rolex DPs. Does it really matter? Grand-Am race results are in the News-Journal, and ALMS results are not.  I could take steroids and probably increase my hat size and hit home runs like Barry Bonds. Racing stats are over-rated, especially speed.

WHO SAID DAYTONA ISN’T FAN FRIENDLY?
The Daytona International Speedway Security Department will discontinue water-boarding spectators effective with the Soft Drink 400 next week.  “Until the Supreme Court clarifies this technique for crowd control, we will postpone this activity,” stated an unnamed spokesman. See, they are all about customer service.

BLOWING-UP YET ANOTHER INTERNET RUMOR
I hate the internet. There is so much crap on there. Take this tidbit I just found:   “NASCAR has purchased 120,000 blow-up dolls which will travel the circuit the remainder of the year, filling in gaps as needed to cover-up the empty seats at NASCAR races. They all have been painted with Dale Jr. t-shirts or halter-tops.” I can assure you that NASCAR is as popular as ever, and this is not true.

Can’t wait for Daytona. Full report to follow.

A.C.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 25th, 2008 at 11:29 am and is filed under A. C. Guillermo, Parody. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.