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Respected journalists A.C. Guillermo and Katrina Flood were invited to each make 12 predictions about the upcoming Rolex 24. The one with the most correct predictions will be awarded a bag of Richard Petty charcoal and a 1/18th diecast model of the Chase DP car.

Katrina Flood:

• 32 cars will start the race (plus 17 Porsche GT3 Cup Entries).
• It will be declared another “record crowd,” no matter how few fans are there.
• The DIS Security Staff will do another stellar job protecting the speedway from fans.
• The Daytona News-Journal will publish several glowing articles on how successful the Grand-Am Series is, even though it isn’t.
• The television coverage will do a feature on the slow and irrelevant Hurley Haywood.
• Continuous mentions of NASCAR and IRL guest drivers will make the few media on hand nauseas.
• A Riley will win the Riley class.
• A Porsche GT3 Cup will win the Porsche GT3 Cup class.
• Kevin Buckler will be selected the most annoying team owner by race officials, although Henri Z’s lawyer will demand a recount.
• Wayne Taylor will cry at some point during the race.
• Half the teams will disappear after the Rolex 24 and never be seen again the rest of the season.
• The race will further spotlight the demise of a once great race, turned into a pathetic ego event by the France family and a misguided motorcycle enthusiast.

A.C. Guillermo

• 70 cars will start the race.
• A crowd of over 160,000 will be in attendance.
• The race will be declared the greatest sports car race in the history of the world by the thousands of world-wide media in attendance.
• Scott Pruett, the greatest driver in the history of motor racing, will win the pole with a time three seconds faster than anyone else.
• Chip Ganassi’s team will win after a thrilling last-lap battle with the Spirit of Daytona team.
• Hurley Haywood will set the fastest race lap.
• 16 DPs will finish on the lead lap.
• The Daytona News-Journal will cover the Grand-Am Series and the Rolex 24 with professionalism and objectivity, and the words “Sebring” and “Le Mans” will NEVER appear in that newspaper again.
• There will be no caution flags the entire race.
• The DIS Security Department will treat all spectators with respect and kindness in the true tradition of ISC customer service. Less than 400 fans will be tasered during the entire 24 hours.
• Mark Raffauf will justly penalize the Mazda teams 40 laps for being too loud, too fast, and for fielding a prototype in the ALMS.
• The fact the Rolex 24 is 24 hours proves that the number of hours total the series runs and the length of those hours when extrapolated over an entire season’s hours will again prove the Grand-Am Series and its bountiful hours is America’s true premier endurance road racing series due to all those hours, plus a real championship has to have all those hours and run at Watkins Glen and have a really cool Ferris wheel at Daytona, or it isn’t a real championship. (Editor’s note: Huh?).

Once again, Murphy brings you “Fair and Balanced” (TM) coverage.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 13th, 2009 at 8:32 pm and is filed under A. C. Guillermo, Parody. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.