Rumors Swirl Around Sports Car Series
Rumors of acquisition and merger – many conflicting – are rampant around IMSA, ALMS, Grand AM, ISC, and PMSG. The Bear summarizes them today, along with new cars, teams, and sponsorships and rules.
The Don Makes his Move?
Murphy’s been told by a well-placed source the Don’s been wheeling and dealing. While his Braselburg minions kept the gnomes of the Beach busy with putative and furtive talks about dumping tracks, the Don was shorting International Speedway Corporation (ticker symbol: ISCA), making a bundle on the $4.50 plunge at the end of January. Investment advisor Professor Pullen Legg of Universität Leipzig – fresh from his work for Porsche AG – has positioned the Don to take control of the Florida Racing giant.
The Panoz Abruzzi will join the Sprint Cup ranks as soon as the decals are done. Grand Am and ALMS will be merged. DP will henceforth mean “Don’s Prototypes.” Elan Technologies will produce a conversion kit allowing owners to add the required DP “greenhouse” to their Oreca LMPC’s.
The Alchemist, too?
A Florida source tells Murphy racing impresario Tony Dowe is leading a consortium that will take control of IMSA. One rumored change is the addition of an all-Ferrari spec class made up of Grand Am-legal cars soon to be available from Ferrari and prepared for racing at a secret location in Georgia.
Sebring Closed!
The Florida Department of Agriculture has closed Sebring International Raceway until further notice after discovering a tree planted in the paddock as part of the American Le Mans Series Green Initiative was infected with Citrus Gonorrhea (aka Orange Clap), a highly contagious disease that destroys orange groves. The quarantine of the historic raceway will continue until further notice, or until the track is sold to International Speedway Corp., owners of Daytona International Speedway. The disease was discovered following an anonymous tip from a “concerned citizen” at 1801 Speedway Blvd. in Daytona Beach.
Iconic Names to Return to the Sport
With new prototype rules coming into effect next season, there’s a lot of design and development activity, including some famous names. Jim Hall is consulting with Pratt & Miller and the General on a new Chaparral for LMP1. Carol Shelby is working with Ford on a new LMP2 to be called the Ford Probe.
Octogenarian Sir Stirling Moss figures if “Schumi” can come out retirement, he can too. Brian Redman will join him in an LMPC sponsored by Geritol and Viagra. Continuing what might be a trend, Murphy hears Augie Pabst will enter the only rear-engine Scarab in the world in LMP1.
Oklahoma City Announces History-making Street Race
Promoters in Oklahoma City are planning to host the 50th street race in North American to go out of business. The planned 2011 street race will mark a milestone in motorsports history, as it hopes to become the 50th such motor racing event to go bankrupt.
Oklahoma City hopes to follow the ill-fated red ink tidal waves of Des Moines, Niagara Falls, Columbus, San Antonio, Minneapolis, Savannah, New Orleans, New Orleans again, Dallas, Dallas again, Dallas yet again, Denver, Denver again, Tacoma, Sacramento (who can forget those railroad tracks), Detroit, Belle Isle, Tamiami Park, St Petersburg one, St Petersburg two, St Petersburg three (soon to be announced), Tampa, Miami one, Miami two, Caesar’s Palace, Houston, Phoenix, Reno, Cleveland (yeah, Murphy knows it was an airport), Long Beach (yes, it did go bankrupt once), a small town in Michigan the Bear can’t remember, Halifax, Honolulu (never quite happened), West Palm Beach, Meadowlands, San Diego… you get the idea.
“We know we can make this another failure if we really try,” stated Oklahoma City GP promoter Larry Enron. “Although every single street race in North America eventually folded, we think being the 50th would be something special.”
Jon Field named Official Crash Tester
The FIA announced today in Paris that American Le Mans Series veteran Jon Field and his Intersport team have been named official crash-testers. Field will be tasked with crashing new cars to prove their structural integrity. Jaguar is currently exempt from this requirement since the cars are not yet capable of the minimum speed necessary to crash them.
J.C. France and Jeremy Mayfield to drive “Spirit of Colombia” Riley
The Colombian government’s Minister of Exports, Pablo Escobar III, has announced sponsorship of a BMW-powered Riley for drivers J.C. France and Jeremy Mayfield for the Watkins Glen six-hour Rolex sports car series race. Escobar stated the new team is “an ideal marketing tool for two drivers who have long supported Colombian exports.” The team will be based in Florida at a new race shop located on the Miami River.
Milka Too
Demonstrating the importance of the Latin market, the ALMS quickly followed the Grand Am announcement by confirming Milka Duno will return – she was LMP2 season runner-up in 2001, scoring four wins. “I drive world class in World Class ALMS, no? I was dominatrix in series before, I be again, maybe?” said Duno.
Milka will bring her familiar Citgo sponsorship to Long Beach, where the team’s debut will correspond with an official state visit to the Govenator by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.
Riley Introduces 40-year Shelf Life
Riley Technologies and the Rolex Grand-Am Series have announced a new generation Daytona Prototype with a competition-life of 40 years. The new DP will allow teams to campaign the same car in the series for at least four decades. The new “DP40″ features NASCAR “Car of Tomorrow” technology. Updates kits will be available on a regular basis at Walmart.
Zogaib to the ALMS
Henri “Big Nuts” Zogaib has acquired a Porsche Spyder to run in ALMS beginning at Laguna Seca. J.L. “Cheese Balls” Kraft will join Zogaib as co-driver. Kraft was also expected to bring sponsorship from a consumer food product. However, protests from Braselburg that the rumored sponsor will be in conflict with its Official Cheese Curd have put that part of the deal in doubt.
Engineering support will come from Combustion Engine Technologies (CET), a company said to be one step ahead of NASA in understanding the physics of thermal kinetics. CET has reportedly extracted a 400% gain in the Porsche engine’s fuel utilization (patent pending), so the Spyder will produce 800 horsepower while not requiring refueling during a 2 hour 45.
Zogaib, an Lebanese iron ore magnate but now living in an exclusive Florida community nicknamed “Skinner Joint”, will handling team finances with help from Joey “Walnuts” Corsa. Alberto “Chestnuts” Solaroli will be in charge of engineering, and Greg “Pecan Sack” Till will manage day-to-day logistics and provide spiritual guidance. “We like to say that we’re ‘Four Nuts and a Cheese Ball,’” said Zogaib.
Drissi, Willman to Make Movie Magic at Long Beach
Bryan Willman, affectionately known in the ALMS paddock as ‘Shrek,’ and sometime driving partner and Hollywood producer Tomy Drissi have signed a deal with Dreamworks for the Long Beach Grand Prix.
Tomy often has movie sponsors for his car and this year will be no different with a new ‘SHREK’ installment getting on board. The deal with the studio was formalized when Bryan Willman showed up at the studio to pitch the deal with green dyed skin. Since the dye turned out to be permanent, Willman will appear in green the entire race weekend. Cameron Diaz will join Willman and Drissi at the driver’s autograph session. After Autocon boss Mike Lewis will appear as the Donkey.
Grand Am expands Midwestern Presence
Murphy hears that Grand Am, will race in the parking lot of the Walmart SuperCenter in Rapid City, South Dakota next season.
“With our success at the Iowa Speedway”, said series President Roger Edmondson, “we figured Rapid City would be a natural. People drive for miles, just to come and shop at Walmart, so now we’ll bring the racing to the people.” Adding interest, the course design will vary, based upon where shoppers park their motorhomes.
Waste Disposal joins list of Grand Am Sponsors
Mark Raffauf, Grand-Am’s rules mogul, has developed a system of speeding up those lengthy full-course cautions. When a DP goes off course and stalls it will have 30 seconds to restart and continue. If not, a trash compactor truck standing by at each corner will collect the inert machine.
NASCAR domo Jim Bob France VI announced that a sponsorship deal has been inked with Waste Management, Inc. to provide the crushers.
IMSA Addresses Pit Lane Safety Concerns
IMSA has required all photographers to wear helmets in the pits. Now a directive has been issued that requires photographers to wear diapers.
“It’s for their own protection,” explained an ALMS official. “We’ve had several near-misses in which a photographer has been nearly run over when dashing for a Porta-Pottie.” The Bear hears that the quiet diesels have contributed to the problem.
Scott Atherton announced Depends has been named the Official Adult Diaper of ALMS.
Murphy thanks the elves and his little woodland friends for their contributions to this Poop.
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Tags: Abruzzi, Alberto Solaroli, Augie Pabst, Brian Redman, Bryan Willman, CET, Chapparal, Don Panoz, Elan Technologies, Ferrari, Grand Am, Henri Zogaib, ISC, J.C. France, Jeremy Mayfield, Jon Field, Long Beach Grand Prix, Mike Lewis, Milka Duno, Oklahoma City, Probe, Riley Technologies, Scarab, Scott Atherton, Sebring, Sir Stirling Moss, Sprint Cup, Tomy Drissi, Tony Dowe, Waster Management
You’ve missed the top story of the week – Mid-Ohio just signed a deal with Bernie to get the Formula One USGP for 2011!